Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.

   it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I'm trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.

   to make it hotter this winter I'm gonna pollute the environment more to help with global warming

   I refer to my former wife as my XBOX.

   Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...

   No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   What do we want? INDIFFERENCE! When do we want it? WHENEVER!

   Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Good thing Obama cancelled the joint military exercise with Egypt next month. I'm sure that will teach the Egyptian army a lesson!

   it looks like a clown threw up on Lady Ga Ga's face

   I'll start spending more time with my Nana when she gets her prescriptions filled.

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull$hitt. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.