Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.

   HIV doesn't turn into AIDS if you have a magic johnson.

   Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.

   A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person

   Nah you don't deserve credits or being "beautiful" if yet it is obvious you had a good make up artist and a great photographer...

   You compliment me...I'll complicate you.

   I'd tell you to kiss my @ss but you'd probably fall in love with it and stalk me.

   the center of a doughnut is completly fat free!

   Anyone else wonder what happens to Oscar on trash day?

   I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.

   There’s a mathematical formula for understanding women. I forgot the specifics, but at the end you divide by zero.

   to keep things interesting in the bedroom bring an extra laptop

   Men are jealous competitive creatures. For example, “He probably has a small d*ck” is how men say “I wish I had a car like that.”

   Neighborhood birds start chirping at 4:05am. Knowing justice belongs to those who claim it, you place an alarm in each nest set to 4:04am.

   I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"

   I'm sorry I made sex noises while the waiter was reading the specials.

   If you have to air up your car tire more than once a week, life isn't working out like you planned...

   Tom Brady is a 3-time Super Bowl Champ & bangs a supermodel. Tim Tebow is a virgin bench-warmer...I think we know who God likes better.