Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   Me: How much for a wank? Prostitut: $15 Me: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

   I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels. Her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.

   "I want a man who takes control but isn't controlling" - Women

   This girl says she is watching her figure. That makes the two of us.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.

   Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow's milk.

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   I would like my tombstone to read: I told you guys I didn't feel good.