Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"

   Girlfriends are like songs. No matter how much you love it, if you hear it all the time it will eventually drive you nuts.

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   Yes girl you can cook, give great head, have a great sense of fashion, are kind, beautiful, sexy, and have a great smile but can you twerk?

   In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.

   Ladies, if you ask a man to do something he'll do it. You don't have to keep reminding him every six months.

   I figured out to lose some weight. I'm going to get a full-body tattoo of myself only 50 pounds smaller.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why TLC didn't want him to go?

   I am convinced Judas was a woman...They can kill you with a smile or a kiss.

   How has someone not done a full body tattoo that is a maze?

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"