Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   that that tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   I will never understand the physics behind british people losing their accents when they sing.

   I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   when life throws skittles at you and tells you to taste the rainbow, just throw m&ms back and say I'm not afraid.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Women with pierced tongues are like Microsoft. They can't do it right so they add more hardware.

   hey I just found my beeper...on top of my Atari

   Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   I'm the guy who would give a dying man a bottle of whiskey and some kind words. Knowing I'd get the whiskey back in a few minutes anyhow.

   People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.