Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   Clean bill of sexual health. C'mon ladies, I'm marginally better than loneliness!

   When Obamacare kicks in, I gets free healthcare, Right? Axing for a friend...

   If you've got a big butt, show it off. If you've got a big chest, show it off. If you have a big belly, keep that covered up.​

   I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.

   I like my job. You might say I'm a gruntled employee.

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   what does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.

   If Obama had a son, would he look like the murderer of that Austrailian kid??

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery. Every time I call in sick they make me come in....

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   Funerals are very expensive these days. Think of it as the high cost of leaving.

   Dance like the photos not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it wont end up on Youtube!

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I'd like another one!"

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.

   Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs

   we only have 4 months left of this year, and if that doesn't freak you out you're lying