Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   Ben Affleck to play Batman in the new movie. Which can only mean one thing… Matt Damon as Robin.

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   They say milk gives you strenght so I drank 5 glasses and still couldnt move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself.

   A Mosquito landed on my friends face.. Easiest decision of my life..

   7 billion people, 14 billion faces.

   No matter how long you have been together, it's completely okay to walk out of someone's life if you just don't feel like you belong there anymore.

   i swear; when people are in love they are never themselves, they are something else....

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   There's a bustle in my hedgerow; what do I do?! - feeling alarmed

   If being bad is wrong then I'll never be right... guess my guidance councilor did know what she was talking about after all.

   I am one lucky lady......I am told several times a day that I am sweet, divine, and tasty.... Thank you Candy Crush!

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   JAB: I woke up all excited this morning, got dressed to go to work,it's Friday: Pay day and than I realized, I don't have a job and went back to bed. . .

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I think my mind has lost me.