Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.

   Girls who say they're in a relationship with Jesus are basically dating a guy they've never met & has been dead for over 2000 years.

   "That's a dent from my girlfriend's butt from when I ate her out on the hood." I said to the Insurance Agent. He just clicked his pen.

   It's not easy being flesh and blood in a world full of plastic people.

   Miley you just broke my heart... my achy breaky heart.

   If Miley Cyrus wore a g-string, you'd still be able to see the string.

   LIL KIM IS STILL ALIVE?

   I wonder if Kanye West's baby cries in autotune...

   Miley Cyrus can't stop, but she really should.

   I hope Miley Cyrus is on drugs so she'll have an excuse for that $hit...

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.

   Today, my girlfriend asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   Even with a privacy fence, I don't think it is safe for the neighbor woman to sunbath topless in her back yard...I almost fell off of the my roof 3 times last week.

   Since the divorce, the only pick-up line I can think of is, “Would you consider yourself a litigious person?”

   I would like to congratulate my ex's new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.