Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   maybe Disney should start having there girls sign contracts before making them famous. Like, "I Promise I will not be America's next pop wh*re if I get this part..."

   While outside jogging nothing will help you burn even more calories than getting hit by the runs... I think I just broke bolts track record!

   I accidently switched my TV to the Aljezeera station and now there's a helicopter over my house...

   I wonder what Billy Ray Cyrus thinks about his achy breakie slut. . .

   Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana"

   There is a price to pay for my happiness..its called alcohol.

   How many of these cats do I have to glue together before I have a tiger?

   Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus

   Cats know. I don’t know what it is they know, but they know it and they’ve known it for a while. They know.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Her: Why do you love me? Him: because you have sex with me. Her: You could have sex with other girls, too. Him: I can?? Sweet!! Her: That’s not what I meant. Him: OK…then, I love you.

   Jesus saves. He shoots. He scores!! (watching Mexican soccer.)

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, looked around you, and then wished that you were back in the nightmare?