Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   I'm way way way more concerned about the adults still writing think-pieces today on Miley Cyrus than Miley Cyrus.

   Not to brag or anything, but my bank balance is over $100k (the k is silent).

   If it takes more than a restraining order to keep you away, lets get married because devotion like that is rare.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   Seems like everything is going according to plan as usual. The media is distracting the public masses with Miley Cyrus, not seeing that the U.S. is gearing up for another useless war with Syria....'They' got you by the balls.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   Dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT??

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   Gee. And I thought twerking was short for Networking. That explains all the dirty looks I got at last week's staff meeting.