Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   My doctor said I should drink more wine. Well, he actually said "less beer", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant...

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   so a pony doesn't grow into a horse?

   I had my ex for dinner to discuss some things and she told me the dinner was amazing. Little did she know my tears seasoned that steak.

   Nice night for a swim...in a pool of vodka and bad decisions.

   If you like my girl and you richer than me then we can share her it's really not that serious

   There's hungry and there's hungry enough to eat microwaved french fries hungry...

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   Maybe we should just call her ''Horny Montana''

   Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.

   she said she was not comfortable watching me masturbate. So I told her to take a different bus.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs