Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You haven't lived until you've been thrown out of your favourite restaurant.

   I've never got tired of loving people. I do get tired of putting up bullsh*t, dogsh*t, catsh*t they show after getting the attention.

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   Remember, it's not gay if its for a promotion!

   Bathrooms are weird. Why does the $hit room have a solid door but the jackoff room has a glass door? I don’t care if my wife walks in on me while I’m crapping…

   Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that's why we have a problem.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   I think Miley killed Chucky Cheese and wore him to the VMA's

   God damnit Disney, you screwed up another one. Now I'm gonna have nightmares about teddy bears.

   I think that Justin Timberlake should have won an award at last night's VMAs for the only person to make it out of Disney without a drug problem....

   glow in the dark condoms are so much more fun for Star Wars fans.

   People who squirt Ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you want in your life.

   Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I'm done with lunch so I'd better get back twerk!"

   1999, people said "Britney Spears is a bad role model for young girls." 2013 the young girls are grown up. Their name is Miley Cyrus.

   It really isn't a good idea to be left with your own thoughts. I just had a long discussion with myself. We both agreed