Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   Dear Jesus, what’s up bro. Please don’t let Ben Affleck mess up Batman. Please dude. I need this. Oh, and like peace in Syria or whatever.

   I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that's my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .

   I don't mind if we invade Syria as long as the President is out in front leading the charge.

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Baghdad / Done , Damascus / Under Process - Cairo / Next

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   It's Nursing home in Africa hot outside.

   Someday I want to run through a field of marijuana.

   Go to church dressed as a superhero. They believe in the existence of a magical guy in the sky so your Superman outfit will fit right in.

   If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”

   pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   "safe days" is a ploy by women to trap men with pregnancies. everyone knows women cant do maths

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?