Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was thinking about taking up Jiu Jitsu but then I remembered...I carry a gun.

   I like to keep my enemies at bay. Guantanamo to be exact.

   Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

   What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   Another lawyer TV series and I start strangling cats.

   My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm dating an animal :(

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   If the snow wears white in Winter why can't we?

   Purposefully wearing white today. My level of badassery knows no bounds!

   Purposely wearing white today... the thug life continues.

   So Microsoft buys out Nokia, exactly what is supposed to happen when a dinosaur buys a neanderthal?

   "How to look good naked" - simple, cheap and effective -just turn off the light.

   If I am seriosly wounded, don't call a priest, rabbi, or minister. Those 3 should be walking into a bar together, somewhere.

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   Meatloaf will do anything for love.. but won't do it for a klondike bar. . .

   Crazy alert: I just read that some girls are buying positive pregnancy tests on Craiglist to pressure their boyfriends into popping the question. If your girlfriend does this, leave her immediately!

   I got a sixth degree black belt in I don't give a f**k. . .

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?