Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   I hand lettered this. Does it look real?

   There is a certain brilliance inside people who conceal deep pain with comedy.

   Teaching your son to respect a woman is way more important than teaching him to play a sport.

   Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.

   “After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?

   I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies.

   Life can sometimes be like photography… you need the "negatives" to "develop"

   Psycho is the new normal

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.