Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to order pizza and watch tv.

   Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   When I feel like eating pu$$y, I order Chinese.

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.

   Got passed by a Smart car today, and now I'm wondering where I can pick up a stronger set of balls.

   I'll make you feel good for a few seconds and then remind you how single you are after. - masturbation

   Bring me coffee or die in a suspicious fire.

   Just saved a bunch of money by switching my insurance to passenger seats

   Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!

   when did the world give up on Common Courtesy

   I find the people who complain constantly about people around them being fake n scandalous are usually the most fake and scandalous ones around.

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

   I often wonder if people think they are invisible when they're picking their nose while they drive, is there some kind of stealth button up there they press. . .

   Dear summer, Go home... You're drunk

   I wonder if Sonic provides same sex benefits for those dudes in their commercials???