Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   All you got to do now-a-days is act like you know what your doing...its worked for me so far!

   it okay to text my kids not to come home cause i'm gonna do their mom? I mean, it is 2013... RIGHT?

   So I came home and all my closest friends and family are in the living room telling me that I need to stop drinking and partying so much. Worst. Flashmob. Ever.

   My favorite meal of the day is beer.

   Vodka is just awesome water.

   Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.

   I’d like to have a word with you. The word is sex.

   Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...

   Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters.

   *stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume*

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   Telling a woman to calm down when she's drunk, works about as well as baptizing a cat !

   Who needs Starbucks? My bar serves coffee.

   The fact that hot divorced women exist is proof they all have some crazy in them...

   How come LL Cool J licks his lips and all the women think its sexy, but I do it and I get escorted out of Victoria's Secret AND the mall?

   This beer just whispered "I want to be inside you" and I was all like "ok dude, but I probably need to get drunk first".

   Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders).

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations