Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How so you fit 4 gay guys on a stool? flip it over

   I am so homophobic that I don't even like touching myself.

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Sunday night Football on NBC, Al thinks Chris is as gay as can be

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

   You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.

   Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life so don't be that person that uses stupid cliche's. That's what I'm sayin! You know what I mean??

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.

   10 year old girls are crying because they broke up with their boyfriend. When I was 10 I cried because I missed the morning cartoons.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Instead of Bruno Mars performing at the Super bowl it should be Mick Mars and Motley Crue.

   A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"

   Official Football helmet on Captain Video!

   If you're not spanking her ass on a regular basis, YOU SIR ARE DOING IT WRONG!

   A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"

   You know you have given up on life when you decide to get married.

   Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

   Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.

   I don't drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you