Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.

   Behind every fat man, there is a woman. Frying and stuff.

   If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.

   A Jehovah witness closely follows opportunity,hides behind it and waits for it to knock on your door.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   Imagine how much more seriously Jesus would've been taken if he rode around on a stallion and not a donkey.

   If girls didn't need guys there wouldn't be a 'man' in woman.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   Maybe if I took my problems to the gym they'd work themselves out.

   Don't confuse the words “poisonous” and “venomous.” Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…

   It's really crazy that you don't heara round of applause every time youorder a salad.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   This went from the funniest site to the worst site fast

   What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.