Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.

   Balloons are weird... "Happy Birthday! Here is a plastic sack of my breath."

   If the camera adds ten pounds, why does Rush Limbaugh use 10 cameras?

   You don't know pain until you've caught your pénis in your zipper.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   If Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus were both drowning at the same time.....what kind of sandwich would you make

   Thank God Zimmerman's wife and father-in-law weren't wearing a Hoodie and didn't have any Skittles on them!

   Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.

   I just explained Google images to my mom. "Pick anything to search for..." I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked... "Except that." I replied

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.