Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   Did you guys hear about the Italian atheist? He doesn't believe in the God-father....

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race

   If we could harness all the stupid f**ks in the world we'd become free of fossil fuels. . .

   i have a bad moisture-induced glitter clump problem!

   When you sleep naked after jerking off without washing up...make sure you don't put your thumb in your mouth.

   To err is human. To arr is pirate.

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   Bo Jackson takes 5 hour energy?? Well, let me rush out and buy some even tho it tastes like horse pee...

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   If you can't handle Batman at his Ben Affleck then you don't deserve him at his Christian Bale.

   If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   i don't know how to work the panoramic options on my phone so I'm not gonna be able to send all you wanted to see in one picture..sorry

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."