Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Could you be more specific when you say "...or else"

   My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.

   How different would the world be if Jimmy Buffett hated Margaritas?

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩

   Well what'a you know...it's nappy hour!!

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   People that can sleep with their clothes on are the real psychos.

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.

   I sure hope they get the NJ boardwalk fixed in time for hurricane season!!

   Your girlfriend brings all the boys to the yard because she always swallows.

   You're never going to satisfy someone who doesn't know what they want. That's why I always get the assortment cookie pack.

   I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!

   I think I've mastered the art of walking around the parking lot for an hour pretending not to be looking for my car

   Back when I was a kid, there was no internet.....So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a c&%t

   to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job