Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

   Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.

   illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes

   I have a clever way with words. You might say I'm a cunning linguist.

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because there is a lot of bullsh*t going on that side.

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   I hate when you’re having sex and after an hour or so, you realize it’s only been 32 seconds.

   I swallowed my pride once and it tasted like Vodka.

   I don’t believe in religion, I believe in God

   Are you waiting with baited breath because it sure smells like it.

   I don't care what your birth certificate says, If you have long hair you’re a lady as far as I am concerned.

   The worst form of Alzheimer's is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

   Wear your socks to bed, so I know you have no interest in having sex.