Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?

   Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.

   I call the Suicide Hotline from a pay phone, fire one round into the air and drop the phone.

   Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!