Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.

   The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" 3 times in front of the mirror, a girl in a North Face jacket, yoga pants and Uggs will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall, using the words "totally" and "like" nonstop

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.

   Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

   I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

   My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons.

   don't you just love those who have no education who spout their ridiculous uninformed views all over the place?

   Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   What kind of wine goes best with laundry?

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   Instead of not giving a sh*t, working from home has allowed me to have a great conference call with Senior Management while taking a sh*t.