Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

   I brought a salt shaker to a gun fight; to add salt to injuries.

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   Who is the idiot that called it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   After lots of research I've come to a conclusion that women live longer than men to make up for the wasted time trying to park.

   Please don't mistake me asking you how you are doing for me wanting to know how you are doing.

   You may have come into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood, if you continue to re-p ost this boring sh*t we will guarantee you leave here the same way.

   In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...

   I came into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood and I have no problem going out the same way.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.

   In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   I only drink to forget what I was about to say.

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick

   I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.