Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone else's.

   Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.

   Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.

   Online classes are just a way to get people to go to class without wearing pants.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted “so happy, nothing can bring me down” Who has the heart to tell her about gravity?

   Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is most disappointing for the children of teachers..!

   Not every idiot can read........But look at you go!

   I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30!

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?

   In any kind of relationship…you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning……

   Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!

   If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and a woman doesn't hear him, is he still wrong?

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.