Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.

   Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.

   You call it stalking, I call it stalking. SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU

   Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   God never made a smart atheist... even tho many of the fools claim to be

   After reading an article entitled, “The 7 Weirdest Birth Control Methods Throughout History” I don't have any questions about where STDs might have come from anymore.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.