Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   A parody idea for Closing Time by Semisonic....Clothing Time..."You don't have to go home but you can't stay here"..

   I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.

   McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.

   I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   "Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!"

   On acid, strobe light going, Slayer cranked, "The Exorcist" on mute, Misfits face paint, erect, playing Ouija, naked w/ a knife. Come over!

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.

   Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.

   This sex may be recorded for training purposes.

   I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.