Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is like a good woman. It really scuks.

   I did a search to learn how to play ZZ Top guitar, It said I would never be that bad a**

   Spiders - because men need to feel useful.

   Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .

   Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.

   Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.

   I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.

   I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.

   Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.