Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.

   The fact that your guy friends stop being funny after getting a girlfriend is proof enough that women are soul sucking banshees.

   Love is like writing your name on the beach’s sand. Eventually, the waves will wash it all away until nothing’s left.

   Ladies, short dresses aren’t like your Facebook feed. Continuously pulling them down won’t refresh anything.

   The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   Sometimes I have trouble coming to terms with my crazy. Then I drink about it, and it all works out.

   What happens when the government shuts down? Obama will stop getting free watermelon?

   How the h ell did Jesus find guys names John.,James, Matthew. Paul and Andrew, Thomas, and Philip in the middle East?

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   I can't believe I missed the Breaking Bad finale. And, every other single episode...

   I heard my new neighbors having sex last night so I rubbed one out. Just met Eddie and Steve this morning...

   No matter what happens, you can always count on your family. Unless you go on a killing spree...

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?

   Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....

   I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, I call them my friends. . .

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?