Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   Did we try giving the government a snickers?

   I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.

   Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying.

   it's tourettes you Fu*king Dumba$$

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   That camel is so vain. You don't see any humpback whales asking random people what day it is.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   Now that the government is closed, I am taking over thee country and claiming legal rights as President, you all answer to me now. . .

   Government just came out with a new doll...It's called a welfare doll. You wind it up and it quits working.

   Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

   Winters getting close here. Yesterday it was so cold that I seen a Lawyer walking around with his hands in his own pockets

   Lets not get overly excited about the government shutdown, Walmart is still open!

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!

   The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head, so now I don't know who to listen to anymore.