Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??

   Breaking News : Shots Fired at Capitol Hill, In Other Words Olympus Has Fallen \ :O /

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   my wife says to me "your nuts" I reply "what about them"?

   I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.

   Kids, let me tell you about this one time when Miley Cyrus twerked and the government temporarily shut down to recover from the trauma.

   Mcdonald's just came out with a new burger. It's called "The McObama" If you order that, then the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   “Listen here, we are watching the movie together for the first time, I also don’t know what that guy is going to do with the gun” - Every man watching a movie with a woman.

   So I Went to pick up my date for homecoming, Her father said make sure she is home and in bed before 11PM, I Said " Don't worry Sir, I'll have her in bed by 830" :D

   My father of the year hopes and dreams were crushed the moment I joined Facebook.

   You ever follow someone going over a bridge with their left turn signal on? Where are they going to turn? You almost wish they would turn.

   Oh you want to see my phone? Add that in the prenup first.

   I'm not saying your p osts aren't hilarious. I'm just saying that I've seen most of them on little wooden signs hanging in my moms bathroom.