Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently... you can't order "dat ass" at the drive-thru.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   I'm so drunk I almost went outside.

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3

   Fajitas are just tacos that went on to get their medical degree

   World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.

   following a car driving over a bridge with their left turn signal on. Where are they going to turn? Almost wish they would turn.

   I pulled over to pick up a one legged hitchhiker. I told him to hop in.

   Ladies, we can tell when you take a naked pic and try to crop it down to a head/shoulder shot.

   Have sex a bunch of times and suddenly you're expected to "answer her calls" and "act like you know her in public". Women are so confusing.

   I cant wait till black friday at the liquor store

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   If you can't open that bottle of pickles for your girl like a real man then just smash it over your face and look crazy B*tches love crazy

   A creditor called, but I told her that Jesus already paid my debt when he died on the cross, then hung up. Read the Bible, b*tch.

   My tombstone will just say DIED HORNY.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection.

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   My Wife was reading the newspaper this morning and yelled "Honey, the sales add says the dealership will make it easy to get a new car for your spouse this weekend!"..... Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   According to these court documents, the way to a woman's heart isn't through her bedroom window.