Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one

   Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

   dreamt she was a muffler last night.... and woke up totally exhausted.

   has just realized that if you change the word 'wand' to 'wang' in the Harry Potter books... they suddenly become a lot more amusing.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne... No need to go that young, L'Oreal!

   I remember how it felt soooo good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? 'Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.' And your strengths? 'I'm Superwoman!'

   Just got her first early Christmas present. A sweater!.. All she really wanted was a moaner or a sceamer.

   Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   My friend has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.

   richey rich needs to loan our country some money

   You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....

   I had a choice tonight to either watch the Redskins lose on Monday Night Football or clean the toilets in my house. Since I didn't feel like throwing up this evening I'm cleaning house

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   I'm very confused. I just saw a commercial asking for food donations to feed the poor on a tv show where a guy eats a 5 lb buritto...

   Q: What do you call that ugly blob of flesh around Miley Cyrus's navel? A: Miley Cyrus.

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   What temperature does Miley boil at??

   Age isnt a number clearly its a word