Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate time zones and math

   People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too

   Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?

   On a scale of 1 to Mother-in-law How annoying are you?

   Which one is Heckle and which one is Jeckle? And why did Mr. Hyde have to be a home wrecker?

   I wish I had an office job so I can call in sick with one of my 'deathly ill' voices...

   Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing after they have exhausted all other possibilities.

   Women love being cuddled while they sleep, except for when they don't know who you are, apparently.

   My girlfriend told me that I need to be more ambitious and innovative.Now I have two girlfriends.

   "Dude, she just called you a stalker." "Oh hell no, hold my binoculars."

   The person who wrote this, is an idi@t. "The @ dmin must put an end to boring p osts before boring p osts put an end to this joint. "

   Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.

   If you add all the distance I've run from my car to the liquor store as its about to close then yes, I have run a marathon.

   What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.

   The best part about being a M uslim girl is how you don’t have to wait for Halloween to wear your ninja costume.

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.