Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since when does CBS care about facts? Aren't these the same people who on e tried to prove a story with "computer printed" documents, from the "1960ies."

   Getting a clementine full of seeds is like getting a piece of fish full of bones.

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway?

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   On the day before Thanksgiving, I am thankful for Small Pox....if not for that, my house wouldn't be where it is. (Too Soon?)

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   Some people are just a waste of bandwidth.

   Behind every man with great s tatus you pdates is either a beautiful woman who has inspired him or destroyed him.

   Every girl's diary is a Yelp review of your sexual performance.

   People are just waiting to get offended. I'm offended that you're allowed to breathe. :-)

   Rock died in 90s. Very few bands rock these days.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   It's important to stand up for what you believe in. It's even more important to understand what exactly is it that you are standing up for.

   I was just sitting here minding my own business and a cold glass of beer just poured itself into my mouth.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   People who use elevators for going up/down just one floor should be persecuted.

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.