Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.

   If you don't have younger siblings, you're really missing out on having an unpaid servant around you the whole time.

   Look at your hands, puppet master. Those strings are not attached to me. I dance for no one, except me.

   Why don't strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.

   "Get off of Facebook and put clothes on." Is a thing I had to tell myself just now.

   Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?

   I'm so white that before I travel anywhere I find out where all the Starbucks are located.

   'Money can't buy you happiness' - idiots and liars

   If you are in a strip club getting a lap dance, burn your jeans afterwards.

   My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.

   Tonight I think I'll start with beer then switch to vodka to maintain a well balanced depression.

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"

   Ate way too much food, drank too much wine and watched TV the rest of the day. I'm feelin' SUPER American right now

   I think my pet bird just called me a murderer.

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!

   Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.