Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.

   We were actually 36th in math and 24th in reading. This is still nothing to be proud of but it still thought I should make it accurate.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   It always warms my heart to see celebrities getting into the Christmas spirit, Paul Walker is currently decorating a tree.

   I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.

   Sorry I dropped it, but I only hold pretty babies.

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   A CUTE GIRL SMILED AT ME AT THE GROCERY STORE I GOT HER LICENCE PLATE NUMBER I'LL LOOK IT UP LATER AND CALL HER

   If the grass appears to be greener on the other side it's probably because that's where the septic tank is.

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.

   You call the shots. I'll drink them.

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.