Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat, it makes you LEAN...against tables, chairs and walls...

   No, I don't deserve sex because I bought you dinner - but after hearing all of the reasons why you became a vegan, yes.

   Accept your defeat if your opponent is your future wife.

   Bears are just men who were abandoned by their wives and haven't shaved since then.

   When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women

   Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar

   My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   I made my own wine so I should have to pay less - Jesus, when the bill came at the last supper, probably

   Consensual sex sounds expensive.

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.

   Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing

   If the world was a school, the united states would be the special class.