Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.

   I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

   The problem with alcohol is that that... it wears off.

   I never thought I would ever say this, but I am supporting Lindsay Lohan in this catfight. Lesser of two evils is my reasoning.

   With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...

   Don't stab people in the back...Stab em in the front!!!

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!

   Catholic Priests rub me the wrong way.

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.