Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got that restraining order.

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"

   Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!

   I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.

   There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.

   I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now

   Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head."

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life