Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying is some of us would get in the van without the candy.

   I really do see myself being in a committed relationship some day. Only destiny (or the courts) can decide to which institution.

   J ewish Santa is just like black Santa except one pinches pennies and the other pinches fat asses.

   We go together like salt and slugs.

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   The liquor store answers more questions than google.

   I want you and pizza. I'm so good at this romance sh*t.

   I'm also available in sober

   Grown men who post elf on a shelf photos have the same number of balls as that elf...

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Buys Mega-Millins ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.

   How to tell if your woman is mad at you; she tells you, " No! I'm fine!"

   If you insist on always looking on the bright side of things then you better have sunglasses on.

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.

   The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.