Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.

   It would seem there's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.

   Happy belated birthday Jesus.

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a Wednesday!!!

   I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone

   these neighbors shooting their guns off, you'd think a lot of people just died in The Hunger Games cause the gun sounds kinda like the cannon sound in the movie

   since New Years is on a hump day (Wednesday) maybe this will be the year I get a lo of humping

   Goal for 2014: Continue to live forever. So far, so good.

   I guess its official. Baby New Year is a boy again, and everyone's already waiting for his ball to drop.

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   I love my new wood heater. Women actually want to take their clothes off for a change

   When her toes start throwing up gang signs, you know you've hit the right spot.

   One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!

   Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to touch someone where your hands couldn't.

   I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.

   Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.