Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   I am moving to Colorado they just legalized marijuana for recreational purposes.

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.

   As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...

   I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to

   So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.

   Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger