Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..

   This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.

   Starting the year off right!! Fried chicken, French fries more fried chicken and a fried gym membership.

   We get it... You don't like Obama. Quit with the Obama is like a penny sh#t. You forget every Politician is like a penny, 2 faced and worthless

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and pretty much worthless

   Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian...

   I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   fricking elf on the shelf robbed my house! Little bastard took everything! If you see him, call me!

   I think I have now watched enough murder cases on the Crime Investigations Channel to become a murderer.

   Vegetarian: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." Vegan: An old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.

   I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.

   Reminder: You are a perishable item, live accordingly.

   For heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. I have already done that for you.

   I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!

   We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and almost worthless

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.