Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles

   The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   you know its cold outside when you go outside and its cold

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

   Wine her, dine her, sixty-nine her.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   I will fake love and take full advantage of you .

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.