Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   The battles against women are won losing.

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?

   The cure for over thinking is over drinking.

   With so many idiots roaming the earth now, maybe scientist need to stop the search for cure for cancer, and start working on finding the cure for idiocy.

   I don't play videogames ALL day. I do stop to jerk off from time to time.