Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   Okay, guys. Admit it. You shake your head in disgust everytime you learn that one of your hot female friends on Facebook gets pregnant.

   nothing too see here, move along.

   The only thing Martin Luther King ever did for me was get me a three day weekend.

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I sh*t you knot."

   People that look through other peoples medicine cabinets? WEIRD!~~ I would like to look through their fridge.