Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really jacked-up my back today playing golf today, I fell off the ball washing machine

   Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...

   You can't hang around trifling people, you will begin to think it's normal if you have nothing else to compare it to

   Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.

   Watching looney tunes as a kid led me to believe acme rockets would be a much bigger part of my transportation needs when I grew up.... so disappointed.

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   i am not getting any invites lately about any farm, fish, park, mafia or candy crush hope the people who are playing them are all ok ...

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   Sorry but I need a moment to myself guys. The girl I have been stalking but too chicken sh*t to ask out has just changed her relationship status to "in a relationship"

   For once in my life, I like to push a cart in Walmart, let it go and roll for at least two feet straight WITHOUT fu¢king turning left on its own.

   That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!